Being a 'people pleaser' is pretty common. It is one of 6 drivers that we have formed by the age of 5. The internalized messages we take on from our caregivers, community and society that may tell us what we need to do in order to stay safe and keep others happy.
But what happens when people pleasing isn't pleasing you? Or not even pleasing the people you are trying to please?
Being a people pleaser isn't always a bad thing or always a good thing. It leads to helpful and unhelpful behaviours. There are nuances in all aspects of life.
If you're a people pleaser, it's likely that you form relationships easily, you enjoy helping others, you're social, you get many work tasks done and multitask well. But it's also likely that you say yes to things you don't want to do, you take on too many responsibilities, you ignore your own needs and you are prone to burnout.
So many messages from society tell us to 'be nice'. It's great to be nice to others but we also need to check that we're being nice to ourselves. It's important to disassociate always saying yes to people with 'being nice', 'being liked' or 'being a good person'.
My biggest driver is pleasing others. I learnt this when I was studying to be a therapist but it was honestly no surprise to me. We started learning Transactional Analysis and my mind was blown when I started pondering what being a people pleaser meant. For years I thought saying yes to everything and always being the go to person for everyone was the best thing about me. And in some ways it was a great quality to have but I also realised how not managing it was making me exhausted and could lead to resentment.
If you never articulate your own needs this may be frustrating to those around you. Many of us are familiar with the conversation of trying to make a decision of what to watch, where to eat, what to do and the reaction to being asked what you want being 'I don't mind, what do YOU want to do'? You may be so used to saying this that you don't even consider what you want. You don't acknowledge or explore your needs at all. You're also putting all the responsibility on someone else to make decisions. Maybe they don't always want that responsibility. Maybe they'd love you to make a suggestion so they didn't always have to choose.
I realised that there may even be an unintentional arrogance in me always saying yes to every work project. Shouldn't I consider if there is someone else that would be better at doing this than me? (there most definitely is in many, many cases). Am I taking away an opportunity to grow, learn and be acknowledged from someone else? Am I making my other more important projects I'm working on substandard as a result of spreading myself too thin? Is this actually something I want to do?
Saying yes all the time may leave you taking too much on and not allowing time for rest. It may lead to you always doing what others want to do. It may leave you feeling 'put upon' and unappreciated. It's important to remember that no-one has made you always say yes but perhaps you've got into a habit where it's your go-to response.
The Power of saying no
If you're a people pleaser, I'm not suggesting you stop saying yes altogether but I am suggesting that you explore your own needs and practice saying no sometimes. It may be a word you don't like to use, it may make you feel incredibly uncomfortable. Start practicing and it will get easier with time.
If people are not used to you saying no, they may make a big deal of it. If they do, you can always say 'I've realised saying yes to everything is affecting the quality of my work so I'm practicing saying no'. 'I've been saying yes to everything and I'm feeling really tired so I'm making sure I say no to things to look after my health'. Or just leave it at 'No, sorry I can't'. If you get push back that does not mean you're wrong to say no. You may be the first person asked because you always say yes not because you're the only or best person that can do it, they will find someone else.
You can practice different ways of saying no. When I first started saying no I realised because I wasn't used to saying it and found it uncomfortable and said it in a way that was overly blunt. That was fine, I could make mistakes, apologize for the way I said it (but still maintain it's a no) and course correct. That's ok.
It's also impossible to please everyone, by pleasing one person you are invariably potentially displeasing someone else.
There is power in saying yes or no with intention. Give your time and energy intentionally, not just because it's a habit.
In my workshop ' Communication and Emotional Awareness' looks at all 6 drivers in detail and give tips on helping individuals and teams manage them.
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